The Sibling Saga: To Be Or Not To Be

Well, as couples, or parents-to-be or parents, we have always gone through this dilemma.... how many children are ‘good enough’, if at all we are planning to have any. You are always under the pressure of family and extended family and neighbour’s family and family of family for when are you going to have the baby. Sometimes, it is almost to the extent that it is the only purpose of their lives.

I am sure we have always seen parents either judging others or have been judged themselves for having the number of children that they have. Having none will get you tagged of not being the maternal types; which is considered to be the sole reason for a woman’s existence by some. One offspring is too less, even though it is helping in the cause of controlling the world population. Two is just right, even though ‘it is not really required’. Anything beyond that would have been welcome in the by-gone era but is totally frowned upon in today’s world. Basically, you will be tagged.... no matter what YOU choose to do or not do, in YOUR own life.

Let us consider the ‘cases’ one by one:

(Mind you, the ‘condition’ is how the world perceives it. We all love children, especially if they are not yours!)

THE no-offspring DISORDER -

Sometimes, it is due to medical issues, and sometimes it is pure choice by couples. Whatever the reason, it is entirely upto them to have it their way. Few couples try to replicate the happiness that children might bring with the joy of furry companions with claws, in the house. 

In case of the former, some might get influenced by the option of surrogacy. This idea is gaining popularity in an attempt to fulfill the desires of couples to have children.

Having no children would mean increasing your life’s savings multifold. One can use it for luxurious retirement plans like buying a yacht or a jet, considering the sky-rocketing cost of decent education these days. The total control of the TV or the late night parties on or sleeping without bothering about the honking school bus is like second nature. NO toilet-training phase or separation anxiety or refreshing the school curriculum or worrying about scheming against the future daughter-in-law!

THE single child WOE-

Let’s move on to the next category. Your one and only ray of hope in life. All your unfulfilled desires have to be fulfilled by that prodigal child. All your energies go into raising and grooming and polishing and carving and re-polishing that whole and sole apple of your eyes.

He/She has to be the best student, the best child, the best friend, the best sportsperson, the best artist, the best dressed, the best dancer, the best singer, the best grandchild, the best everything. In short, he is doomed to be the best human being ever. Not that it is a bad thing, but it is only fair that we ask the poor kid as to what he/she wants.

I have around 60% of my friends with single child. They are all doing a fabulous job. Kudos to them for staying strong inspite of pressure from all possible angles. They are like the Secret Society of Happy Mums, who thank their stars for not having double the trouble.

Having a single child comes with its own challenges. The basic habit of caring and sharing needs to be inculcated specially as it doesn’t come naturally to them, most of the times. The child is under tremendous pressure of excelling at everything he/she puts her mind at, or in some cases, the parents put their minds at. At times, the single child is over-pampered  to the extent of spoiling him/her.

A balance needs to be observed here. Not over-pampering at one extreme to not over-expecting at the other end. Easier said than done. Because there is always that snobbish mum, down the lane who gives you that look of disapproval.

THE TWO CHILDREN SYNDROME-

Here comes the Queen Bee of motherhood. All rise, and applaud, for she shows the world as to how it is done like a pro. She is not just a mother, but she is a constant, and, I MEAN CONSTANT, referee. As long as the kids don’t look at each other, play with each other, eat with each other, live with each other or rather breathe in the same air, she is in control. But the instant she hears, ‘Mamma, she/he took my share of Oxygen from the atmosphere’, she takes charge. I MEAN IT.

I had always wanted two children. I had this beautiful vision of they giving each other company while I continue my life as normally as one could dream of. I had to convince my husband, literally, using all my charm! Nothing against both my children, but it seems like a distant memory of when I have stretched myself in my own bed or had my bed sheet on for the whole night or slept not being made to ‘Turn towards me.’ or ‘You love your first-born more.’ or ‘You favour the teddy bear of the house more.’ or ‘Why did you marry this Papa?’

Don’t get me wrong here. They are very fond of each other but they still vie for my attention. I guess they feel that a mum’s love gets divided. It multiplies, actually! They already know what it is to unwillingly share that last piece of cake in the house or how to get water for the other person when they come tired from outside even if they go stomping into the kitchen. They take each other’s studies, if requested by the other. They fight and fight but become one soul when it comes to taking permission for watching TV and then continue fighting. They step up and help the other one to finish the over-due school project in exchange of a favour.

Now the big M part.... all the expenses get doubled. The school fees, the birthday parties, the tickets to movies and vacations, the everything in short gets doubled, too, along with the happiness. Well, it is worth the price... I do count my blessings twice, as well!

THE THREE OR MORE CHILDREN ANGUISH-

Anything above two kids is rare these days, though not unheard of. Sometimes, it IS accidental, in the sense, that the second conception turns out to be a twin pregnancy! Also, at times, parents still feel the need to have a brother for their daughters or a male heir for their business empire. To each, his own. Hats off to these parents who are ready to take the responsibility of the tiny monsters in this expensive era. Not to forget having a ‘team’ at home, always! It is like the house is the playground and you are the uninvited, unceremonious, uninteresting, unintentional referee... always on an alert mode. And no matter what you do, there is always a bitter tie. And you lose!!

Not to forget the crazyyy expenses getting increased multifold. I won’t even go there because it is obvious and painfully hurtful.

The good news here, though, is that you have so many working hands around you. So many handymen! And, you can always threaten them to get your jobs done lest you take them off your will as you always have the luxury of relying on the other obedient child!

A last resort for some wannabe parents is Adoption. The mind-set is evolving and a few young couples are opting for it. We have some celebrities, too, being role-models for us. The reasons for adoption can be varied. Irrespective of the intent, it is a noble thing for your own sake and for the child. You deserve the happiness and so does the child. My only concern here is, being human after all, either all your children should be adopted or all biological, never a mix. This is entirely my view. 

So, as you can see, having children comes  with its shares of tears and smiles, pain and joy, ‘I hate you, MaPa’ to ‘You guys are the best!’ You get the drift, eh!!! So, whether none or a ton.... you will be under the scanner. Go ahead, and choose for yourself. Stand by your decision. This, too, shall pass!

Happy parenting.... as long as you don’t let others decide for you!