The Dreaded 30s.... The Midlife Whatttt???

It had been a year that I had touched my car. I was unable to bring myself to drive it. My children had started relying solely on their dad, over the weekends, to replenish their necessities and stuff. I would take a cab to wherever I wanted to go or hitch a ride with a friend. Hubby was clueless as to why I was acting weird... well, so was I! I just didn’t feel like it. I had ‘imaginary’ thoughts of me dashing into somebody on the road, with my children in the car. 

This was the first sign that I ignored. 

Next came the loss of sleep. This was rampant whenever hubby would travel; but it became more pronounced as I didn’t feel sleepy during the day, also. The worst part was... it became chronic even when the husband was around. I wouldn’t want to disturb others, while sleeping, so I would just continue to toss and turn in the bed. Dark circles became an integral part of me. 

There were days when I just didn’t feel like getting out of the house to join my beloved friends for the much needed Walk and Talk. I started feeling disconnected from everyone as I felt that I was just expected to plaster a smile and pretend. They were the same.... something inside me had changed. And I wasn’t ready to confess it to myself. It was always so important to be politically correct, at all times. No one should see you broken....

Earlier, I would call my mother daily. I reached a phase when I started calling her once a week. It had been ages that I talked to my siblings. I tried to justify it under the garb of our WhatsApp encounters. I stopped blogging.... couldn’t relate to anything, couldn’t justify anything. I just didn’t know what was happening.

I gave up on watching TV. I used to be very fond of thriller series and sitcoms. I realised that I didn’t have any patience left for them, anymore. I would take power naps in theatres, least bothered about the storyline by the time I woke up. I just tried to put on a normal face in front of my kids and spend the day.... morning to evening; unlike the earlier weekend to weekend.

The only thing that kept me sane was music. I am not a trained singer. Just the one whom you would find in the college common rooms, always singing their hearts out with their friends. I would sing songs regularly, online and offline. It kept me distracted. I reached roadblocks, several times... but recovered quickly, always. Arts is pure and unadulterated. I wanted it like this.

Another thing that kept me going was Yoga and Pranayama. I had moved from the phase to prove myself to my teacher and mates to look into myself. It was the much needed charging for my day. It was divine.

I reached the bottom of the pit, three months ago..... when I decided to pick myself up. Hubby, couldn’t relate to it, but supported me nonetheless. I decided to get away from the scene for a while. What better than to sort your differences with your family. I went, all alone, to meet my siblings... we met as if nothing had changed. The warm hugs and the understanding smiles... the trip was worth it.

I knew I had to talk out loud. These were the people who had seen me grow. How bad can it get?! As soon as I started reciting my story, my elder sister and my Mom exchanged a knowing look. It made my heart flutter. I knew I had come to the right place. My sister elaborated that she has been going through the exact same phase, during the past few months. She told me how even she kept meddling with a few things every now and then, to keep herself occupied and not slip away.

We had a hearty chat. We opened up like soulmates. It was encouraging to know that I wasn’t alone, in this. Probably, if I would have talked to my friends, I would have healed earlier. But, probably, I was biding my time for my Ahaa moment. 

So, what was the cause? Well, I did discuss this with a few of my friends, as well, after coming back. The bottom line was: a loss of identity, the feeling of worthless existence, being the sacrificial scapegoat of the house, and the like. Most of us have embarked/ will be embarking on midlife ‘transition’ (I would prefer the term ‘transition’ to ‘crisis’). Well, midlife transition in 30s.... isn’t this safeguarded for the dreadful 40s... one would wonder? Rather than labelling it, I would rather ponder over the factual ground reality. This is real. Whether you are a working Mom or a hands-on stay-at-home Mom, whether living in a joint family or nuclear, whether one is in rural setting or urban... it affects us all. 

This is the time when typically men start re-evaluating their worth, in terms of successful careers or achievements; women however try to find solace in their worth in their various relationships. Though this cannot be generalised, this is what I concluded from my discussions with my near and dear ones. You are tagged as backward if you are not up to date with the newer technology. You are tagged as having too much free time if you are visibly active on social media. You are tagged as self-centred and careless if you choose to forfeit your child’s school mums’ WhatsApp group. You are tagged as a helicopter mum if you are hovering too much over your child’s well-being. Do whatever... you will be judged! As Joey (from F.R.I.E.N.D.S) would say.... but nobody’s asking... ‘How you doin’? ‘

As stay-at-home mums, most of my friends claimed that they have reached a saturation level. There is no carry forward to the next day. The day begins from scratch and ends with nothing but exhaustion. We are like the lynch pins of the household, yet getting rusted. Our youth has faded away in raising the kids. When finally the kids are grown up and ready to move on, we find ourselves at almost half the mark of our lives. A lot has changed in the meantime. Technology has advanced. Kids think they are smarter than us. Husbands are busier like never before. I had been writing my messages in the subject line of emails to get my husband’s attention. Don’t get me wrong... he wasn’t being unavailable on purpose... he just didn’t have the time or bandwidth or desirable geographical proximity to rush to children’s school or doctor, if required. All your degrees were mere paper now. All your achievements were fading memories. 

As working moms, even though you are basking in the glory of a successful career, you are expected to adorn the Mum’s hat as soon as you step your foot in the house. Chores are pending. So is the project of your munchkin who is vying for your attention. You have a deadline to meet and also that doctor’s appointment is getting overdue. It does take a toll. 

You have to keep proving yourself... as a daughter, as a daughter-in-law, as a sister, as a wife, as a mother... day in and day out! One flip and you are labelled... until your next mistake. This is when you start evaluating your life’s priorities now. Either you are outdated or unskilled for the modern day demands. The constant need to upgrade your technical and social skills is draining.

Well, if the problem is real... so should be the solution. Women, generally, hit this phase earlier than men. While it may vary from person to person, I will try to chalk out a few pointers, based on my experience and survey. Please free to add to the list... will be much appreciated.

1. Identify that there is an issue.
2. Acknowledge, accept and share it with your core group of well-wishers.
3. Talk. Identify your go-to person and pour your heart out. Take clinical help, if needed.
4. Don’t fall into the trap of fad diets to ‘get back into shape’. This is the opposite of staying fit, which you must be focusing on. Sign up for fitness classes that interest you. No need to pump the iron, blindly. Listen to your body.
5. Cruising along 30s and 40s need not mean a total lack of excitement. We are more aware than our previous generations and more empowered than our bygone years. Jump into puddles if you want to. Dye those tresses if you wish to. Do not lose hope, though.
6. Don’t dramatise your everyday trivial issues into midlife crisis. Sometimes, the solution can be as easy as going to the store yourself and getting that chocolate that you were craving for instead of waiting for a Prince Charming on a horse delivering it at your doorstep.
7. Rekindle a long-lost hobby, that you couldn’t pursue for whatever reason. It is always nice to have something to fall back on to find some calm and peace amidst the chaos of the whole scenario.
8. Either women rush for Botox or they show complete lack of interest in their appearance. Both the extremes should be avoided. Adapt and continue a healthy skin and hair care regime. Your body will thank you for this.
9. You may regret over the choices that you were forced to make for domestic peace. Like something as big as that pending world tour or something as trivial as that short dress that you were never allowed to wear. Or that career that could have been yours or that second child that you always wanted. That relocation, every now and then or that set of friends that you left behind, to be with the family. Whatever the case may be, it is not the end of the world. There are pastures, greener if you please, only if you take it in your stride. Easier said than done, but then... age does comes with its share of wisdom. Use it, wisely!
10. The Middlescence: This is the equivalent of Adolescence. This can be interpreted as the time of self-doubt, confusion, alienation and frustration. Or, for the optimist in me, it can be interpreted as the time for self-discovery, new goals and fresh beginnings. Amen.
11. How much time do we have left? So much to achieve and so little time left! Well, rather than getting all philosophical, we need to focus on this day, this moment. Here and now. We should worry about quality and not quantity.
12. Consult a physician and take proper medical treatment for insomnia, inexplicable mood swings or even outbursts. Peri menopause and menopause can be the culprits, too. Do not ignore it. It is as natural and normal as puberty.
13. Rather than questioning your righteousness and direction in life, it is better to retrospect and introspect and make changes accordingly. It is never late than ever. Having said that, try not to fall prey to impulsive and rash decisions. You will end up hurting others and more importantly, yourself, in the process.
14. Avoid any knee-jerk reactions to situations that can be handled maturely.
15. Last, but not the least, since we all will be going through this phase, sooner or later, being an empath will take us a long way. It will be quite unproductive on our part to see one side of the story and judge anybody. Let them be. They know best what they are going through. We ought to respect their space and priorities and choices and decisions.

As I have always maintained - Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Well, if you do decide to grow up... do it gracefully. I haven’t gone there yet. I have a trustworthy support group. As always, the biggest achievement lies in uplifting each other and fixing back the crowns. 

On a lighter note, while we might not go and buy that flashy golden car but we might as well go for the bling... whatever works for that billion dollar smile of yours.

I am taking baby steps. I am living in the moment. I am becoming self-aware. I still have a long way to go. I know I am not alone. It is like finding myself again. And as always, I am my favourite!