I don’t trust kids. They are here to replace us.

This famous quote is penned, apparently while in deep emotional pain, by Stephen Colbert. Coming to think of it…. it is true to quite an extent. This warning, however, tops all the other red flags that we have been receiving throughout our lives.

 Going back to the days when we were happy people, basically, when we were not parents. And while we were not parents back then, well… we were still the best parents…. for all the other children. Judging them, mocking them secretly, giving them unsolicited advice, giving them looks while they were dealing with a meltdown…. Hah!! Such lovely days!!  I used to be the only one throwing a tantrum around the house.

 

And then, having gained all the knowledge of how to be ‘good’ parents (sorry, make that ‘great’ parents), our own coveted moment of pride arrived. Our moment to shine. Our moment to show all ‘those’ parents on how it is done!! Ahann!! Look no further, amateurs…. the experts arrive!! To bring you out of your misery! Presenting the newest parents on the block, to show-off our flawless parenting journey. Awww!! Our own little munchkins!! We hugged them and loved them and fed them and cleaned them up and read to them and sang for them and danced to their tunes and applied science and religion and all parenting books and common sense on them. But, well, to state the unexpected, our moment of glory turned into a moment of absolute outlawry and gory and cajolery and flurry and swirly-whirly and sorry and tomfoolery…. in a jiffy!! Those cute little tiny bundles had a brain AND a voice….. right since they were born! They had the audacity to act up at the most unexpected time and locations! How could they do this? To us? We were the professionals!!

 

And the saga continued. Year by year, their Yesses turned to Nos to Whys to Why Nots. They wanted the same Spider-Man costume EVERY SINGLE DAY. They called all the animals/birds/insects ‘duddu’, in spite of we giving them an encyclopaedia. So, I didn’t know if it was a mosquito or a lion when they pointed right beyond me and ‘cutely’ said, “Mamma, Duddu!” What happened to that smartness where we show-off our child’s poetry recitation skills in front of all our guests?! Duddu??? Really??

 

They encroached upon our bed as if they owned it. (Well, they did literally own us…. but somewhere the line had to be drawn). And since that wasn’t enough, they had to roll whole night over us coz we were better mattresses. And since they never played enough football on any given day, they would also kick us occasionally…. on our faces, all while sleeping peacefully!!

 

Well, time flies, they say!! Nope. It only flies when you are in the warm shower after a long night with a sick child, or watching your favourite TV program when they are off to school, or on an annual coffee-outing with your ‘fellow-parents’ after arranging a play-date for them. Ask the parents where the time goes. It goes outside their hobby classes encouraging them, in the kitchen whipping up their favourite treats, on the road driving them to birthday parties, in their rooms usually cleaning it up or listening to their day’s account, in our own room, finally, setting up that damn dawn’s alarm clock for the same cycle next day.

 

The infants turned into toddlers. The toddlers turned into kids. The kids turned into teens. And every new age group felt like a new ray of Hope. Ha ha!! We wish!! As soon as we became ‘experts’ on how to ‘handle’ them, they moved on. They moved on to new demographics, new tactics, new tantrums, new demands, new negotiation skills; all while polishing us, mercilessly.

 

Having said that, we are still nowhere near qualified. Each child is different. Look at your siblings! Would we have done anything differently…? Well, not for the kids, but for our own sake…. Would have judged others and our own selves less!

 

Now that we have two teens in the house, life has become much more interesting…. for them!! Their voices are louder and their minds are firmer. Fun fun!! So, the last time MY son had a strife with HIS dad, over the silly TV remote, I suddenly became the culprit. Oh no no, I didn’t want the remote for myself. I didn’t choose between the nuptial knot and the umbilical cord, either. I didn’t even try to play the referee. My son declared, ‘Mamma, this is all your fault. Among all the guys in the world, YOU chose to marry THIS PAPA!’ Yes, THAT was my fault.

 

And then, my prodigy of a son stormed off sneaking away my phone with him. To take revenge. On ME. He blocked my husband from ALL the apps on my phone. We had no clue about it. And the next day, I was stuck in a situation outside and to my horror, I couldn’t connect with my husband, at all. After the entire episode got sorted, we figured out this treachery of my son!! All of us sat with my phone trying to figure out how to unblock Papa on Mamma’s phone. New age, new challenges. Sonny dear got the warning of his lifetime, while I was secretly wondering how did our parents manage to raise us so well!!

 

My daughter also has her moments. Like staying in her room for too long during Covid times stirred up her inner hair-stylist. Yes, you read it correctly. She had made up her mind to cut her own beautiful tresses. The same ones which she got coloured in blue a few months ago. As a Maadu, I wanted those blue hair to last for at least a lifetime. As a Mom, I wanted her entire hair to last a lifetime. But she was so hell-bent and so confident, that I couldn’t believe I was allowing her, ‘at her own risk’, whatever that meant. I felt like I was having one of those Karmic moments at that instant. Who cuts their own hair? Well, she did cut her hair, not once, but twice. It took ME a lot of guts to allow her, though I am not sure if I said Yes. I just didn’t say NO. Surprisingly, she did a great job, but I got more worried about the tough decisions that WE will have to make as parents during this lifetime!! Our parents were luckier, I am stressing it again.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel, folks. Don’t worry! Just look at them after they are asleep. And you go back to admiring them, all over again. Hoping for a better parenting day tomorrow. That includes offline talking, online stalking, in-line walking, guideline jotting, frontline reassuring. Just kidding… keep doing what you are doing. You are already doing an awesome job.

 

Well, and then one day they will be already grown up!! I can’t wait to give it back to them! I am gonna go and live in their houses. Empty the fridge and the pantry. Leave my shoes and utensils all over the place. Not clean the room. Hijack the TV remote. Put the laundry on the floor right next to the laundry basket. Stay awake till 3am and then get up at noon, the next day. Not eat my veggies. I am gonna spoil my grandchildren with unconditional love and pampering…. Already scheming my master-plan!

 

Coz yes, mind you, they will replace us, soon!! Cheers!!